Trainwreck

The Med Path (part 2)

Wed, 15 May 2013 17:39:00 -0700

I guess something that people ask me fairly often is why I want to go into obstetrics and gynecology. And no, I’ve never observed a live birth in person before (people ask me that too).

A huge part of my high school experience was the single- gender aspect of it. Although at the time I didn’t appreciate all the wonderful things I got from learning and growing with Mercy girls, I’m certain that almost every interaction from those four years played a role in shaping my current aspirations. In a co-ed school, I definitely would not have had the chance to openly and intellectually talk about female world issues in religion class, bond with almost anyone over how “all boys are pigs” (even though that’s probably not true.. haha), raise money for an organization that cared specifically for abused women, or be the only student in my zero period math class. Attending an all-girls school gave me an enormous heart for women and taught me to care deeply and especially about hurting women (compared to how much I care about other groups of people in need). God’s plan of single- gender education for me was empowering (in a way different from how feminists would define it) because it taught me to care for a group of people beyond myself, and it also taught me to value the friendship and company of females.

In high school after my parents decided to get high speed internet and cable TV, two of my favorite shows to watch were 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom. I also remember spending one Christmas night (sophomore year?) with my family at my grandparents’ house, and for some reason, the usual Chinese program wasn’t showing, so we all watched Deliver Me! instead. It was a special episode featuring the struggles of ten high-risk pregnancy cases that the three doctors had handled. I guess I liked the social and clinical aspects of the shows, but even though I found them enjoyable, I didn’t think of making an occupation out of that interest at the time. In retrospect, it’s interesting to see how God allowed for me to have those seemingly meaningless experiences and then used them to help me realize an interest.

During the summer after my freshmen year, I took an EMT class, and I absolutely loved the delivering babies part. I don’t think anything else was as fun for me as helping the baby + placenta out of those plastic body parts… even neurology. And although I never ended up getting a job as an EMT, I’m grateful that God allowed me the opportunity to be exposed to obstetrics. It was worth taking that class just to learn something about myself that would affect my desired career path (even though I don’t know if my parents would agree, since they paid the $1,000 for it).

In one of my classes during fall quarter of sophomore year, the teacher made everyone in the class introduce themselves and share what they were studying. One girl mentioned that she was a women’s studies minor, and I thought that sounded like something I would enjoy. So the following quarter, I enrolled myself in Women’s Studies 10, and I loved it, too. The gender distribution of that class (about 90% females) definitely made me feel very comfortable and contributed to my positive experience. That helped me realize how great it would be if I could work in a mostly- female environment in the future. I would love my job! Even though I disagreed with the majority of what I learned in the class and ended up dropping the minor for different reasons, I can see that it was part of God’s best for me to have that empowering experience. Through Women’s Studies 10, God showed me how much women desperately need God and what great lengths they are willing to go in order to worship their idol of finding worldly happiness or success. It also revealed to me the unique sinfulness of women specifically and their consequent need for Christ.

Aside from these reasons, I also see births as big blessings from God. God knits every baby in his/her mother’s womb, and every baby was wonderfully and fearfully made by a sovereign God. The OB/ GYN clinic or hospital is also a great missions field, as women there probably feel more confused about their bodies than they do at any other point of their lives. What an amazing opportunity to share God’s love with those who perhaps would be especially open to it! I want to be salt and light to these women who absolutely need Christ. 1 Peter 2: 9!

At this point, it’s definitely possible that God will lead me down another path away from OB/ GYN. However, I’m positive that wherever God leads, he’ll be faithful in providing. Psalm 84: 11! Matthew 7: 11!

The Med Path (part 1)

Sat, 04 May 2013 01:49:22 -0700

It’s definitely only by God’s grace that U of Q’s med program accepted me, and here’s why:

I came into college as a neuroscience major interested in research (not medicine), but I wanted to pursue the elite M.D. Ph. D., so I still felt the need to be competitive and worked “hard” from the beginning.

However, my grades were very terrible by premed standards, because for some reason, I was optimistic and had the mindset that I could always just do better in the distant future to make up for my present deficiency. To give you a better idea of that, I’m pretty sure my major GPA stayed above a 3.0 only because of my grades from the math classes I took (and later on, I found out that math classes don’t even count towards your science GPA if you apply to DO schools).

Thus, while I saw many of my friends change their minds and majors, I’m grateful that God allowed me to still want medical school (not that going into medicine is superior to whatever career path God has for my friends.. it’s not).

In the beginning of my spring quarter of my freshmen year, I joined a neuroscience/ electrophysiology/ Huntington’s disease lab and was really excited, since it was like the future I wanted before I got there. But God graciously showed me that I wasn’t fit for research, and that for me, it was extraordinarily repetitive and even boring.

So I spent some time during and after spring quarter with no idea what I wanted to do in the future. I grew up with a lot of exposure to the medical field because of my dad’s profession, but that also meant I saw the negative side of it (mostly it was seeing that some nights, my dad never came home from the hospital). Medicine was an option, but it didn’t really stand out.

In the summer between my freshmen and sophomore years, I took an EMT class. Through that experience, I discovered that I really enjoyed the clinical side of the health field. So I became “premed” in the way that it typically means to be “premed”. God graciously gave me direction when I didn’t have any, and I’m extremely thankful for that.

Also, it’s also only by God’s grace that love of money doesn’t tend to be one of the harder struggles for me, so when I wanted to become a doctor, financial security or making bank wasn’t an important issue. I think seeing the way my dad has always humbly treated prosperity, fame, etc. taught me from an early age that money and those things don’t hold the greatest value in life. Praise God for giving me great parents. :)

During spring quarter of my sophomore year, I was overly ambitious and took 4 science classes (biochem, LS 3, physics 6b, and LS 23L), and my grades were the worst I’d ever gotten. That summer I went through what many premeds with low grades go through: questioning if I really wanted to do medicine.

That summer was definitely a very difficult and stressful summer, dealing with LS 4, MCAT class, and the emotional turmoil. But I spent more hours desperately and empty-ily praying and reading God’s Word during that time than any other time (like.. in my life, haha). I’m so grateful that God used that situation to show me his faithfulness! By God’s grace, I enjoyed LS 4 and got a decent grade in it. I was also taking MCAT classes using money that came out of my own bank account (I thought that it wasn’t my parents’ fault that I didn’t retain everything I had learned from the past two years, so they shouldn’t have to pay for it), so I felt especially motivated to study hard and to do well on the test. Out of everything from the past three years, God’s presence was the most clear to me during that summer.

I took the MCAT, but I didn’t feel confident about it afterward. Before I left for NY that last week before zero week, I remember telling Tiff, “I don’t feel like I did well enough on the MCAT to deserve NY.”………………. It was really saddening when results came out, because I didn’t do well overall. Actually, I did well in science, but not in VR, which dragged my entire score down. :( I’m just grateful that God helped me to regain composure by 9pm to lead Care team that night.

Winter break of junior year— I’m at home chilling in my happy, comfortable bed when my mom comes in the room and tells me about an Australian medical school that has an American program and that works with an American medical school. Upon perusal of their website, I find out that I’m disqualified from applying because my MCAT VR score is too low (8/8/8 was required). Oh well I think.

The day before my EEB 162 midterm during the middle of winter quarter— I’m at Charles chilling on their happy, comfortable couches when I decide to look at that website again, since I remembered that March marks the beginning of application acceptance. I read on some unofficial sources that if you have one 7 and a score above 24 on the MCAT, you can still apply to UQ. That was my situation exactly! I email the admissions officer at UQ, and she confirms the unofficial sources. Clearly, this was God’s work and not mine.

February 22— I send in my application, along with my transcript, MCAT scores, and $100 (Aussie dollars)

March 7— UQ received my application in the mail

Every two weeks thereafter— I email UQ to ask if there are any updates. Every time, I got a “no” equivalent.

Beginning of spring quarter— send in my updated transcript

Wednesday of Week 5 after large group— I turn on my tablet with the intention of studying for my upcoming midterm, but I check my email first. There’s no update, but while lazing around, a happy email pops up! I got in!

In the rearview mirror, it’s very clear to me that everything I went through was part of God’s best plan for me. God gave me my parents, who taught me not to love money (though not for godly reasons). He put me through EMT class to show me the wonders of medicine. And he gave me academic struggles to show me his faithfulness and that his grace is sufficient. God is infinitely good. :) And I’m beyond grateful for the Gospel and how the knowledge and application of it have given me sight to see the past, present, and future through a Christ- purposed perspective. Psalm 139: 14!

If you’d like to pray for me, please pray that I wouldn’t “waste” the last of my days here at UCLA, and that God would show me how to best serve others using all the free time that I now have (instead of just hanging out all the time).

Praise God for Medical School!!

Thu, 02 May 2013 00:10:18 -0700

By God’s grace, I got accepted! More updates to come, probably after my midterm tomorrow.. And I’ll probably explain why I want to become an OB/GYN too, since people ask me pretty frequently but I never can give an adequate, comprehensive response

Texting about new shoes with Sarina Ho the iPhone user

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 00:29:34 -0700

A: Yup. Nice and snug
S: Good gunships
A: ?
S: Gumdrops!!
S: Goodie

"The “inheritance” here is not the Christian’s inheritance but his (God’s)...."

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 13:02:09 -0700

“The “inheritance” here is not the Christian’s inheritance but his (God’s). This indicates how precious his people are to God. They are, so to speak, what he looks forward to enjoying forever.”

- ESV Study Bible, in reference to Ephesians 1: 18

Ladies: Cleaning for God's Glory

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 00:53:15 -0700

It’s been said that cleanliness is next to godliness. While this statement isn’t something directly stated in the Bible, I think there is some value in evaluating it through spiritual lenses and thinking about how being a female Christian and personal habits of cleanliness are related.

Some personal background:
Before my sophomore year of college, my living space used to be what most people would call an organized mess: it look disorganized from the outsider perspective, but I knew exactly where everything was. And since I never really had trouble locating things I needed in my mess, I was perfectly happy living under those conditions.

But then God used Christian literature and Scripture to change my mind and my preferences in cleanliness.

I spent fall quarter of my sophomore year going through the book of Proverbs (I can really use the wisdom! I thought) and finished with Chapter 31’s The Woman Who Fears the LORD shortly after winter break (I think..). Around that time I also read a couple of Leslie Ludy books, CJ Mahaney’s The Cross- Centered Life, Elizabeth George’s A Woman After God’s Own Heart, some parts of John Piper’s Desiring God (I didn’t keep up with the reading that AACF 2014 did as a freshmen class unfortunately) and probably some other books that I don’t really remember.

A combination of these influences helped me to realize something important: because of the Gospel, I am now able to live free from the bondage of my own sinful inclinations. And because of that, I want to live not only a life that was glorifying to God in the present, but also one that would promote or increase my likelihood or ability to glorify God in the future.

Proverbs 31: 12 says that an excellent wife (who is also the woman who fears the Lord) “does him [her husband] good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” (my emphasis added) Even though I probably won’t get married in the future, for the sake of the off chance that it happens, I want to be doing my husband good, even now when I don’t know him or when I don’t even believe that he exists. (that felt very weird to write out) And what better way for me to do good for my [probably nonexistant, IMO] husband now than to practice keeping my current living space clean so that I can do it easily for him in the future?!* If I don’t practice being clean now, I’ll have a hard time adjusting to married life, when I’ll have to be clean for my husband and family. (thinking about me + married life made me shudder just a bit)

*As a note, I came into this realization already knowing and believing that a wife’s primary workplace should be in the house. Titus 2: 4-5 tells older women to teach younger women a variety of lessons, including to be “working at home.” A worker of the home works to keep the home lovely and pleasant for the inhabitants of the home, including the husband and children (if they exist).

Titus 2: 4-5 also tells older women to instruct younger women in loving their husbands and children. Along with cleanliness, being loving wasn’t something that came naturally to me, which meant that I also had to work hard at it (and I’m still learning). As a junior in college living with people my age who have very different cleanliness preferences from my own, I know it’s tough being loving toward apartment friends when either 1) you feel like you’re never clean enough for your apartment friend, or 2) you feel as if your apartment friend can never meet your standards of cleanliness.

I’m grateful that I’m not currently experiencing any extremes, but there is definitely some variation along that spectrum among my apartment friends, which means sometimes it’s challenging to be loving. Just as I didn’t automatically become loving when I moved in with these girls, I won’t suddenly becoming loving in marriage. If Paul tells older women to teach younger women to love, then loving is definitely a learning process. And when better to learn than now?! (remember, do good to your husband all the days of your life, including today) Who better to practice on than apartment friends?! And what better to show love to apartment friends than by keeping your living space clean so that they’ll have a more comfortable environment to live in?! (I’m sure even messy people appreciate it when other people keep out of the messy person’s mess by being clean)

It works out: As a lady, being clean 1) helps you to practice doing good to your husband and 2) can be used in the learning process of how to be more loving so that ultimately it will bring you back to 1) helps you to practice doing good to your husband.

In the big picture, all of this is only possible because of the Gospel. Because of Christ’s example of sacrificial love, Christians can sacrificially love others (including apartment friends, husbands, children, etc.). Because of Jesus’ sacrificial love for us that allows him, the groom, to take us, the church, as his bride, we can know what true marriage is. Along the lines of Ephesians 5: 22-33, marriage is a way for us to gain a deeper understanding of God’s redemptive works on the cross, which is absolutely central for the Christian who has been regenerated (the cross is central.. not marriage).

My old self would have loved the filth (spiritually and in my living space) I was living in, but now the version of my self that has been changed and motivated by Christ has completely different tastes.

Perhaps you will find some spark of encouragement in reading what I’ve been learning and working on these past two(ish) years. Praise God!

The joy of my Sunday nights <3

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 23:15:10 -0700

The joy of my Sunday nights <3

the-absolute-best-posts: Bone cancer on a human skull.

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 02:02:36 -0700

the-absolute-best-posts:

Bone cancer on a human skull.

"Does Victoria’s Secret teach you how to be sexy?"

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 23:39:00 -0700

“Does Victoria’s Secret teach you how to be sexy?”

- Lily Bao, during Core

God

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:25:00 -0700

Please remind me of grace and help me to love others when it seems infinitely difficult to do so

"“When my daughter was a toddler, I used to take her to a park not far from our apartment. One day as..."

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 11:19:14 -0700

“

“When my daughter was a toddler, I used to take her to a park not far from our apartment. One day as she was playing in a sandbox, an ice-cream salesman approached us. I purchased her a treat, and when I turned to give it to her, I saw her mouth was full of sand. Where I had intended to put a delicacy, she had put dirt.

Did I love her with dirt in her mouth? Absolutely. Was she any less of my daughter with dirt in her mouth? Of course not. Was I going to allow her to keep the dirt in her mouth? No way. I loved her right where she was, but I refused to leave her there. I carried her over to the water fountain and washed out her mouth. Why? Because I love her.

God does the same for us. He holds us over the fountain. “Spit out the dirt, honey,” our Father urges. “I’ve got something better for you.” And so he cleanses us of filth; immorality, dishonesty, prejudice, bitterness, greed. We don’t enjoy the cleansing; sometimes we even opt for the dirt over the ice cream. “I can eat dirt if I want to!” we pout and proclaim. Which is true—we can. But if we do, the loss is ours. God has a better offer.”

”

- Max Lucado, Just Like Jesus (via pulchritudinous-grace)

"There is a difference between believing that God is holy and gracious, and having a new sense on the..."

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 01:27:27 -0800

“There is a difference between believing that God is holy and gracious, and having a new sense on the heart of the loveliness and beauty of that holiness and grace. The difference between believing that God is gracious and tasting that God is gracious is as different as having a rational belief that honey is sweet and having the actual sense of its sweetness.”

- Jonathan Edwards, “A Divine and Supernatural Light”

We joke that our apartment is a...

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 00:58:40 -0800

We joke that our apartment is a pigsty……………… but it’s not really a joke at this point #brozz13 #costumemaking

"When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered..."

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 14:01:35 -0800

“When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.”

- John 16: 21

in pursuit of god: one for the single christian ladies

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 01:03:47 -0800

in pursuit of god: one for the single christian ladies:

inpursuitofgod:

And for the single Christian men, too… it’s just very much aimed at women who are looking for “the one” that God has chosen for you. I promise, it’s not as long as it looks. And it’s worth five minutes of your time.

When I was 16, I got a purity ring.

And when I was 25, I took it off.

I…

I skipped EEB162 for the first time ever (because it was cold...

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 14:05:36 -0800

I skipped EEB162 for the first time ever (because it was cold and raining) and ended up going to the hospital instead. I was just chillin in the cafeteria by myself, looking over medical school stuff and eating my happy chips when an elderly man sits down in front of me. We ended up talking for over an hour. Julio (the man) was born in Spain and grew up in Guatemala. He moved to America a few decades ago because of political persecution, and since then has had 3 children: a son in Italy’s air force, another one who goes to SCU (in Norcal!), and a daughter who is in high school and doesn’t want to become a nurse. Julio was at UCLA because he’s currently receiving treatments for leukemia. Nonetheless, he is a very vibrant man and many opinions. He expressed to me his disappointment in society’s moral decay, which he believes is caused largely by TV shows. (When his children were young, they watched an episode of a TV show that was degrading towards fathers, and he turned off the TV and told his kids never to treat him like that.) Julio’s philosophy of life is that people should do what is natural to them (he talked about sex A LOT and told me that I’ll have a good life if I have good copulations.. he also was surprised when I told him I didn’t have a boyfriend, but I didn’t feel like explaining the gift to him, so I just said that I didn’t want one) and live in the moment. You could tell he has a sharp sense of right and wrong, as he talked about how he views his mother (who was an OB/GYN!) with high regard and his father as not having fulfilled his role. Julio also shared with me his strong opinions on Basque politics and on a dictator who collaborated with Hitler (I forgot his name). He also believes strongly that pretty much in every situation, natural is best (he told me never to wear cosmetics, haha) because we were created that way. It’s very similar to what most Americans believe about their lives.. That they’re good, and that goodness will suffice. It was sad that he didn’t know Jesus, and it is unfortunate that I didn’t have an opportunity to share the Gospel with him. Perhaps if it’s part of God’s plan, I’ll see him at Ronald again and get the opportunity to share.. or maybe God will use somebody else.. or maybe Julio will never hear. Well, I’m glad that I skipped EEB162 today. And the picture I took of him isn’t that good because he was walking away as I snapped it. And the gray stuff on top of his head isn’t his hair— it’s a fuzzy hat. Julio’s hair is wispy and white.

Audio

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 23:39:45 -0800

http://instagr.am/p/VzPUpECOTC/

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 21:42:00 -0800

http://instagr.am/p/VzPUpECOTC/:

I don’t know how I feel about True Love Waits if the Gospel wasn’t presented at an event so opportune for proclaiming the good news…………..

HYPOCRISY

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 16:45:36 -0800

HYPOCRISY:

changwinston:

DeYoung makes another run at a core issue (title is a link), and this one resonates with me. Growing up, I was always big on the principle of practicing Christian disciplines only if and when “the heart is in it.” To me, if reading the Bible seemed on a given day to be more like a chore than a joy, then reading the Bible that day would not only provide no benefit, but also actually do harm. That went for prayer, listening to sermons, serving at church, and the rest. It seemed to me that there should never be a point at which the Christian is anything less than wholly genuine. That hinged upon acting on real desires.

Then I realized (somehow) that almost never is anyone motivated by one thing and one thing only. Honest introspection, it seems, always reveals that there are a million reasons to be driving in any given direction at any given time, and it’s nearly impossible to tell which desire is presently dominating. So, I dealt with it this way: since we’re never able to isolate the right motives and ensure that those be our only motives, being genuine at least entails ensuring that the right motives be in the majority. Can’t repent of a sin until my motives are more out of a desire to honor God than just out of guilt (so I would wait for days until eventually the guilt would get so heavy I’d “repent” just to get rid of the nasty shameful feelings). Can’t pray or read the Bible until I’m more joyful than not to do so (so I just wouldn’t pray or read—same de facto effect as before). And so forth.

Of course, the very thing that motivated that paradigm shift makes the paradigm untenable. The discourse goes like this: if you can’t tell what the prevailing motives are, how do you know when you’ve even gotten the scales tipping to the right ones? How do you know when your desires are noble? Being wholly correct at the level of the motivation is impossible. Being primarily correct at that level is, even if possible, impossible to detect. If we will not act unless we know it is out of correct motivation, then, how do we act? Certainly we must not act without also desiring that act? Certainly that is hypocrisy! Certainly that is legalism!

Steady on. Read DeYoung’s wholly biblical, beautifully clear, and enormously liberating encouragement. This is the very lesson it took me—still, is taking me—a long time to learn.

Our union with Christ means some things, and it does not mean other things. It means that we have been saved. It does not mean that we are yet perfect. It means that our salvation rests on the righteousness, death, and resurrection of Christ. It does not mean that we can stand on our own merit. It means that, fundamentally, the trajectories of our lives have changed. It does not mean that we do not stumble.

Romans 7:14-25 makes it clear. Were we to always submit to the desires of our hearts, reader, we would not do what is right. The Christian’s heart is still full of deceit.

If the long-term pattern of your behavior indicates that you do not fight to submit to God’s commands in the Word, fight to delight in relating with him, fight to obey him, fight your idols, and fight the corruptions of your flesh, then there is certainly a problem (because these are evidences of salvation). But be assured that it is not legalism to resist a temptation, no matter how strong. You cannot expect that your heart will “always be in the right place” during your resistances. But that resistance is evidence that you’re alive. As I’ve heard it put, dead people do not fight. You are no longer a slave to sin. You’re a slave to righteousness!

And we do all these things because of our union with Christ in his death and resurrection—because of his work at the cross. It is not to make God love you more. He loves you, all the same. The aim of killing sin is to behold him better.

So, on this particular day, you may find yourself with hardly any motivation to do what must be done. You may find yourself facing mountainous temptations to sin. You may find yourself plagued by apathy. I find myself there, too, far more frequently than I should or want.

But there is, Christian, the fact that you are a new creation. The Holy Spirit dwells within you, strengthening you in your inner being. You have been redeemed. Your stone heart has been replaced.

So for whatever flicker exists, whatever slight and fading desire to press forward remains: take it, guard it, and feed it. Do whatever it takes. If you need to ask a friend to come over and sit by you so that you don’t sin, do it. Sure, maybe now you’re fighting more out of a fear of man than you are out of a pure desire. But the fact that you asked your friend to come over is evidence of that deep, fundamental desire. The important part is that you stay the path. Don’t let yourself get burned, just because your “heart’s not always in it.” Don’t refuse to eat food, just because your “heart’s not always in it.”

Always remember: God works on the heart. God molds. God sanctifies. Temptations will weaken. You will be transformed as your mind is renewed. And God will carry you home.

Photo

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 15:39:23 -0800